Audacity

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Audacity
by Katieann Vogelian

I’m
going through
a transformation.
I don’t know how I’ll look
on the other side.
I don’t know if I’ll arrive
before I die.

I’m going through
a transformation.
It requires me to be kind
and bold.
I hope I get to keep those names
when I’m old.

I’m going
through a transformation.
But I still drink tea.
Coffee’s never been my beverage.
It’s something about the leaves.

There’s something about leaves all
crinkled crunkled brown.
I know they used
to have color, then they
fell to the ground.
They come to my cup and
they enter my soul.
After all, isn’t that the goal?

To grow, to change,
to fall, to inspire,
to eat the earth,
to start a fire,
to gallop, to grunt,
to sing, to swallow,
to worry and not be so worried
about what happens tomorrow.

Right this second I
am in the season of change.

It’s strange.

By the end of the summer,
I’ll be someone new.
By the time I change, the leaves
will start to change too.
The irony, the audacity
of a leaf to change its hue.
To die and to crumble,
to become new.

Can I make it til then?
The question is just.
And the answer is simple:

I must.

I must survive to see
the leaves fall.

After all,
a leaf is from a tree and
a tree stands tall.

I am learning
I am changing
I am seeing

bottles on the wall.
I am hearing

stories all around.
I am eating

big fish ground down.

I am from a town
on the edge of the sea.
The tea leaves there come from
tall-standing trees.

The trees grow like
children the sun
makes them grand.
I used to be small,
and now I’m

so far from the sea.
I used to like tea
because I liked
the leaves.
I used to drink tea
with the pieces crinkled
crunkled brown.

Now the tea swirls and
I can’t settle down.

The pen in my hand
can’t stand
without the memory of
the sea, the breeze,
the air, yet

where

can I go
how many times must
I fall
before I understand
the leaves of books come from
the audacious growth
of a being who doesn’t yet know
her own name.

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