I Let Myself Go

Silver Bay in Spring, chicks2013
Silver Bay in Spring

I’m driving on the highway – driving slow. Off the clock, sun’s still up, it’s sunny – that hasn’t happened for awhile.

I’m smiling and talking to my mom on the phone. We didn’t used to talk so much because my heart was closed, but I let that go, and it makes me happy because she’s funny and talking to her helps me grow.

My stomach is in flutter mode – interactions at work leave me flustered. Now I’m heading home, take a nap, watch a show.

I think about how I’m happy. I’ve felt this way for awhile now, and I don’t really doubt it anymore. It’s OK to be happy. I’m not doing it wrong because you can’t do it wrong if you don’t believe in that sort of thing, that self-judgment, those shackles you clasp on yourself when you forget that you’re the one in charge of your life.

I let myself go and I’ve gotten a little fatter but not so much so. Actually I kind of like it – another layer between me and the cold. I’ll shed the pounds in summer when the sun comes out full time. I’ll be outside on my bike or in the lake or in the sea.

Silver Beach, kvogel2013
Silver Beach

I’m not picky about where I move my body. I used to be, but that got tiring so I let that habit go. That’s becoming a pattern, dropping baggage as I roll with the tide, with the moon and sunrise. More pounds, but I’m lighter, if that makes any sense. I think I know what I’m doing; it’s called progress. Marching on – not too fast – even when buried under the snow. Watching it melt and thinking My oh my, this tide is turning and I’m going to ride it as far as I can go.

I’ll sail there on a ship as light as a kite, silver and gold, on wingtips, by day, by night, I’ll sail on because I am captain of this sea. I decided it yesterday and I’m very pleased. I looked out my window and I saw the clouds moving and I said I wonder where they’re going, and my mind took off into the sky, and I sailed with the clouds until I got tired, and then I settled in the sea and I said This is very nice, I’d like to have one of these. So I looked at a map and I said That one, that’s the one for me.

Now I carry the map in a locket tucked tight in the secret compartment of my old pocket watch, and each day when I wind it I think These seconds aren’t mine, no one owns time, no one owns the sea, not even me. But anyone can be a captain if they decide that’s what they want to be. You can captain any sea, just look, check the map, it’s there. Maybe you imagined it, but that’s not bad; imagining maps of untamed lands is a great pastime, just ask the inhabitants what they think of it before you print it, if you need to print it at all.

Racy, kvogel2013

Yeah, I’m ready to go, and now that there are hints of spring in the air, I’m smiling all the time. I can’t help it, I really can’t. That’s what happens when you let yourself go. You put your heart out there and maybe it gets trampled in the snow, but be patient, someone will find it and they will say Well don’t you know, I’ve been looking for a heart to beat with my own, and the music of yours matches the rhythm of mine, and I think maybe together we could beat this way for a very long time.

You let yourself go and someone catches you in the snow, and then you can’t stop smiling because love thrives in any weather, on the sea or the shore, and you find it when you realize it lives inside you, and everything you need is already provided, just look out your window and go go go, you have nothing but time is your friend, go take a drive on the highway in the sunshine and watch the clouds ride by and imagine how it feels to fly. I’m doing it now, and it feels more than fine. It’s snowing and snowing and the world still glows. And when I walk in the sun, I know – this is living, this is letting go.

I’ve walked this way my whole life, but now I’m living it, now I’m loving, now my life is mine, in winter, in spring, it’s time. Time to let go, go shine shine shine.


2 thoughts on “I Let Myself Go

  1. Thanks Sandra. It has been a long time coming, and I have finally realized that it’s in my power to do it! Powerful realization. Thanks for reading and commenting 🙂

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